Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
where are my eyebrows?
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