i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
