I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
