Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
