I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
