i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
