So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
