That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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