I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
