So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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