You work out of a Hotel?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
