and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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