is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
