I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
