Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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