I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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