Do you still have your period?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
