Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
