Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Randomize
