piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
