I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
