i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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