dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
