she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
