Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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