i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
