Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Shame - the story of my life.
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