dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Pants are for mortals
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
