So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He told me they were just razor bumps!
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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