explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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