Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
