There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
