I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
