Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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