i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
operation harelip BJ is a go
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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