he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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