I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
