Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
