Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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