shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
