I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
