Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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