I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
