How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
