There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
being pregnant is like rehab
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
