God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
