I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
