My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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