We won't sleep together?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
