i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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