it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
