Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
